Last night I had a pretty ridiculous emotional breakdown. It wasn't over anything specific. My daughter went to bed at 7:15 without so much as a whimper. My son and I watched a movie and he was asleep by nine. All in all a successful night.
I lit some candles, snuggled up on the couch and enjoyed the silence. I started thinking, a bit too much perhaps, about my life and where it was headed. Then I did the worst thing any person can do. I started comparing my life to other people my age and quickly began to feel like a failure.
Michele (my beautiful sister) has received countless promotions and is living it up in The Big Apple.
Chris (my brother) is just about a signature away from a record deal
You haven't finished college
You're wasting your time writing this book
Just a few of the thoughts that ran circles in my mind until it started spilling down my face for the following hour.
Sure, I am a great mother. I have overcome and accomplished so much in my life it would take a nine hundred page book and then some to cover it all. But I felt like there was still so much I wanted to accomplish and so little time to make it happen.
The worst thing I experienced last night was, feeling like I have worked my ass off for years, and still haven't reached my goal.
Yes, I am only twenty-five and still have so much of my life ahead of me, but for that hour last night, it dawned on me how fast time goes.
What road is best to travel? Maybe Robert Frost can help me figure that one out.
After a very emotional conversation with my brother, (he listened while I cried) he helped me realize how much I have to be thankful for and what I great job I am doing.
If it wasn't for my family, I don't know where my life would have drifted me. At the end of the day it doesn't matter if I ever get published, obtain a Master's degree, land a high paying job, or totally rule the world. ( I can dream a little, right?)
What matters is that I do things for me, and for my family. Success is not something defined by how much money you make, or how far you go in school or what school you graduate from. Success is an individual accomplishment that varies person to person.
I feel successful in my life right now. Nothing else really matters.
aw :o) I have those days even without kids, its easy to break down like that when you live in a society that completely emphasizes production, we are literally trained to be robotic and mass produce (truth is, none of us are capable of always achieving, with time we slow down and with maturity we prioritize the things that matter most) , nothing is ever enough. And... never forget that being a mom is the most complicated and skill needed job you could ever have, I think you should be very proud about your achievements of being a successful mom and loving wife. On a daily basis I am swarmed at work with children who have families that dont care for them, families that are falling apart, etc etc, Im sure you get where I am going with this.. we need more individuals in our society like you, ones who spread love, comfort and nourish. In the end all that matters is love, (at least thats what the beatles and bible seem to say)Your efforts and hard work will not go unnoticed, I noticed them today.. and even though your husband may not always acknowledge them, im sure he notices, and your children will grow to love you more and more as they grow old! :o) I even feel like i should say that your family (sister and brother) look up to you as a role model for overcoming so many hurdles and becoming a responsible adult. I believe you are as successful as you want to be, and obviously you are successful because you want to be, congratulations! you no longer need to feel inadequate, you are enough :o) I hope this brought a smile to your face, I enjoyed reading your post.
ReplyDeleteWow! Thank you so much for the comment, it really and truly brought a smile to my face. Being a mom is more than any full time forty hour a week job. Being a mom is 365 days a year 24 hours a day. I try to have good balance, working on my novel at night and during nap time.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your very kind words. It's always inspiring to hear some encouragement.