Building A Stable & Secure..... Man Cave??!!

If you're a woman in a relationship, or have been in relationships with men, you know all too well that men have their own little version on PMS. They even throw little mantrums. I have seen men pout, storm off, throw things, and whine and complain about things that aren't going their way.

Men need a cave, a quiet place of retreat for them to sort out their thoughts and feelings, and lick their wounds. We as women need to be patient and understand that men are just not as wonderful and put together as we are and sometimes, they need a minute, or in some cases, a few days. (Big ass babies, is what they are.)
Have you ever seen a man with a cold?? Whiny, needy, draaah-ma-tic...did I mention annoying?

Now what if they already have a man cave? Is it man cave worthy? Every man cave needs to be equipped with the following:
(The woman truly benefits from this)

1. Well stocked refrigerator (lot's a beer, frosted glasses, and a variety of cold drinks) (Or a full bar if possible)
2. Lot's of easy access to snacks such as chips, donuts...you get the picture
3. A special chair just for them, or a very comfy couch
4. Any kind of gaming system, more than one is beneficial. (Include a variety of different games to keep them busy
5. Poker table, or pool table ( complete with poker chips, cards... coasters(so they wont ruin the table
6. BIG FLAT SCREEN TV ( Box of tissues & the ecstasy channel)
7. Encourage man buddies to join him in the man cave (Helping him create a pack in his man cave where he can be the Alfa Male will make him feel special.
8. Stripper Pole complete with stage and mirrors. (Note to self: The man will never make use of this stage, but it gives the illusion to his man followers that he isn't whipped. Even though he totally is)

Humorous as this all may seem, men are men and no matter what we as women think we can do to "change" their natural ways, we just can't. You can domesticate a wild animal but there will always be things in the world that will revert them back to their natural ways.

I truly believe we defy nature by having men settle down. On a pride, the male lion will impregnate all the female lions in his pack. One male gets to bang all the females, but the female remains loyal to the male while raising all her lion cubs.

The man cave gives them their own space to roam free and do the things that drive us nuts. They have all the responsibility, and the say-so of what goes on in their cave so when they come back to your domain, they can comfortably fall back into the submissive lion cub without any dispute!!

Wait Two Weeks

Ever notice how so many things in our lives revolve around two weeks somehow. Two weeks notice, fourteen day grace period on late bills, and the amount of time you should wait before making any big decision.

My car, oh my car. 220,000 miles on it and a countless number of other problems is scheduled to be taken to the mechanic on Wednesday. Fifteen hundred dollars is the estimated cost of repair. So, with that we decided to go look at some other options, New SUV's. Car shopping can be super fun or super sucky. Greg and I went to the car dealer with no intention of buying anything that day at all, and thought if we just looked and got an idea of what we wanted, we would be prepared.

Car salesman are desperate, on commission, and will tell you anything to sell you a car. For anyone who isn't aware, a few pointers:
1. Never go car shopping alone.
2. Know your price point and stick to it
3. The price on the car is just the "asking price", so make an offer you think is reasonable
4. Never go car shopping alone
5. It's okay to say NO!!!

Despite this wonderful advice, Greg and I almost got completely suckered in to buying a car even though we agreed we weren't going to. They even let us take the car home over night and think about it. But we applied the "Wait Two Weeks" strategy at the very last minute. Believe it or not, even after we dropped the car back off at the lot feeling great about our choice, the car salesmen texted me and offered to take an additional five hundred dollars off the price. Sneaky sneaky little man!!

I want to buy a new car on my own terms when it's right for my family. The car salesmen tried to convince me that paying $380 a month was way better than paying $1500 to get my car fixed. Yeah, sure it is, but when you're paying that $380 every month for six years...c'mon now! That's a big commitment. A $25,000 commitment, plus tax, and interest.

I guess the lesson learned here is that you should never make a decision on the spot, or let someone talk you into it. Always go home and really think about it. And maybe eight times out of ten you will realize you did the right thing. You don't always "need" everything you think you need and you'd be surprised how often you will come to see how silly that particular thing was if you wait it out and then go back to it.

Like I tell my son, "Be a smart shopper!!"

Mid-Morning Concussion

The past few nights I have been having trouble sleeping. I have been up late working on my book, and I joined a new website called TheNextBigWriter.com. SO- along with working on my novel, I have been up late editing other people's work and when I finally pull myself away from the computer and make myself sleep, I can't. I have my own, along with everybody else's thoughts racing through my mind.
Last night, around one thirty am I finally lay down and drift off to sleep. My husband was in the living room watching a scary movie that I opted out of due to my intense imagination, and the after effects I knew I would experience. Hallucinations, turning shadow's into ghosts, and thinking every noise I heard was a killer trying to get me,
Then, around six am he literally flies out of bed like he was thrown off a trampoline, trips, and runs into my daughter's room who fell out of bed and was crying. (Due to the horrific material in the movie, he was terrified that what he saw on screen was coming to life)
"Ashley, can you get in her please!" he called out to me from down the hall. I stomp out of bed, march down the hall and when I walk into my daughter's room there he is, blood dripping from his head all the way down his chest.
"What the hell happened to you?" I had no idea how he could be bleeding like that.
"Well, I tripped and hit my head, and I'm bleeding."
"Obviously!" I turned his head to the side, examining the damage. Greg handed me the baby and left the room. Trying to stay as calm as possible, I gave Layla a good snuggle and put her back to sleep.
I shut her bedroom door and immediately noticed the bathroom light creeping out from under the door. I walk in to check on Greg, and make sure he was still alive. There he was, standing in front of the mirror with a wad of toilet paper on his head, still covered in blood. My first thought,typical. He has been in the bathroom for ten minutes and the only thing he has accomplished was balling up a piece of toilet paper.
I knew I had to step in and take charge. After sitting him down on the toilet, and taking a closer look at the cut I realized it looked worse than it actually was. I tossed his hand made wad of toilet paper and reached for a clean hand towel. I shaved the area around his cut, cleaned it up, got him ice and settled back into bed. (He was loving this by the way. Even saying it hurt when I was barely touching him.)
"How did you hit your head on the counter when it's three feet lower than your head?" The sun was starting to come up so I kept my eyes shut trying to block out the morning rays
Greg started laughing " I slipped on the kitchen floor and somehow the counter got in the way."
"Only you would get a head injury in the middle of the night just by walking through the kitchen." I rolled over and gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek, noticing the blue glow of the digital clock on the night table. Six forty five. Figuring I had at least and hour and a half before the kids woke up,I nestled my head on Greg's chest and started to drift off to sleep.
Then, my right eye popped open to the sound of tiny footsteps walking through the kitchen.
"Good Morning, I told you guys I was going to get up early today." The smiling face of my son Sean standing in front of me was a clear indication that sleep was not an option for anyone this morning.

Alone Time! Wait, what's that?

As most of you know my two year anniversary was yesterday. And while most couples whisk themselves away to some romantic resort with his and her terry cloth robes, and a jaded reality full of alcohol and five star restaurants, my husband and I did not. (Because if I was I sure as hell wouldn't be on my computer)My thoughts on romance have changed immensely since I have had kids. I think a lot of us base romance on what we read in a book, or see in a movie so we are programmed to think we should be doing certain things. Those movies, or those books we read usually end right where real life begins.
I bet you if Cinderella got knocked up she wouldn't be dancing around with her mop singing to the birds, her head would be in the fucking toilet and prince charming would be holding her hair back. Or Princess Jasmin, could you see her whole new world with three kids on that magic carpet?
So, anyway...My husband and I decided it would be nice to go to dinner. Now- at first thought you're probably thinking romantic candle lit dinner in some poorly lit restaurant. NO!! Try Olive Garden and our two lovely kids. (They really are lovely) If you have kids you know what going out to eat is like. You usually spend your meal guarding your drink from being knocked into your lap, blowing on chicken nuggets to cool them down, or picking things up off the floor.
Being creative here was the key to making our anniversary amazing. Yes, the kids were like an extra garnish on a fancy meal we really didn't need right then, but they are part of our life so we make it work. But kids do sleep. And, as soon as those little monkey's were in bed, memory lane was wide open for us and we stayed up all night.... not just having the most incredible sex in the world( for those of you whose jaws just dropped:Mommies are allowed to have sex!), but really getting to know each other all over again. We relived the day we met and the amazing weeks that followed and how insane everyone thought we were when just two months later we were engaged. I fell asleep that night feeling like I just fell in deep deep love all over again and woke up knowing I was the luckiest person in the world.(I also woke up to my daughter trying to dip my blackberry in a glass of water)
Anything and everything is what you make it, or what you make out of it. Were we isolated on some island getting couples massages, no, but we didn't feel the need to put our relationship on display. We were as alone as you can be when you have kids. But that's what makes it fun and it took our relationship to the next level. We are always moving forward, but we are always moving together.

Sometimes I worry about myself

Okay, so I am a little sleep deprived today because my 18 month old daughter decided to wake up at 1 am this morning. I was laying in bed and I heard her making noise, so I just closed my eyes tighter, and tried to pretend like I didn't hear anything. But, that cry, the cry that says mommy, come snuggle me. C'mon, just admit it- it's 1 am, you're sleeping so good, and you hear the crying begin to escalate and all you're thinking is.... "fuck". But,despite my best efforts and a few learned tricks, she didn't fall back asleep until I laid with her at 4am. Ugh! Then I had this dream that I found out I was pregnant and was really excited about it. But when I woke up this morning and realized I was just dreaming I was really bummed. Yes, I was bummed. You're probably wondering what is wrong with me. Up all freaking night long singing, and rocking and sitting on the floor by my daughters bed literally praying that her eyes will close so I can sneak out of her room and crawl back into my bed, and I am wishing I was having another one. There is really only one explanation here... I am insane.

I used to think I was the only adult that would say, "I have to go potty!" or " Let's use our inside voice." It turns out I am not. At least I hope I am not. My neighbors might just think I am absolutely nuts lounging in a kiddy pool with a giraffe head on it, but hey, kids like being outside and when it's 105 degrees out, a puddle almost seems like a good way to cool off. I can also recite every line from Finding Nemo, The Lion King, Chicken Little, Ice Age, and I can hum every song from every Baby Einstein movie. ( I secretly love those movies and when Greg is working late I give myself a pedicure while watching Ratatouille...sshh!)

Before I had kids I always felt like I never had enough time to do anything, although I still feel like that, I don't know what I ever did with all my free time?! Probably sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. I almost can't remember what it's like to not have kids, or actually sit down and eat an entire meal instead of my kids left overs. Maybe you can answer this for me, but why is it the second I start talking on the phone everyone has to ask me a question? Or how about this one, what about me taking a shower is so interesting that everyone needs to be in the bathroom while I am in there? Kids have a special radar and they sense when you're comfortable, or getting ready to indulge yourself a little bit, and then they attack!!

I am A Fictional Character

Did your parents ever tell you growing up that you could be whatever you wanted to be? And that no matter what it was they would always love and support you? Well, mine always did, but that wasn't the problem. My problem was that I could never seem to decide how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. I didn't like the idea of going to college for four years and doing the same thing everyday. I always feared being so busy and consumed with my career that my days, weeks, and even months would start merging together and suddenly I would wake up 45 years old and have missed out on all the fun.

Most of my weekends and evening as a kid were spent locked in my room getting lost in incredible stories and I would get so into what I was reading that I would forget I was reading and I became part of that book. I realized I didn't have to choose one lifestyle or be one kind of person because through all these stories I could become anyone at any time. Those books were my escape, my way of experiencing the world from someone else's perspective, something I believe not many of us try to do. The books presented unrealistic scenarios and unlikely predicaments the main character was usually struggling to deal with. But for those few hours I was brave, or smart, or the most beautiful girl in a room and when I was done it was like closing a chapter on a part of my life and with every new book a new phase of adventure began.

As I grew up a little bit, and after spending countless hours hidden in the back of coffee shops, I realized I could still get lost in these wonderful books, but I needed to start being the leading lady of my own life. I knew I wanted to start seeing life from my own perspective too. I learned how to be brave and confident. To approach situations with the upmost patience, and just to throw in my own advice, everyone could always use a big hug. Sure, I am a little bit of a dork, but I think life is magical and there are so many ways to enjoy it. Whether it is through a good book, or a movie, we can be anyone and we can go anywhere.

The One Armed Woman

Did you ever notice how women have this uncanny ability to not only multi-task, but do things with only one arm free with our eyes closed? If I relied on both hands to get things done my house would look like a cyclone threw a party. My daughter is a big mommy's girl and this past week she has been sick. When kids are sick all they want is their mommies anyway, so this just intensified her need to be near me. Cooking dinner, cleaning up, doing laundry, washing dishes... all with her on my left hip.

Having two kids and a dog, and a house to run keeps anybody busy(unless you're the kind of stay at home mama that hires nannies and house keepers, then you suck, you really do). At the blink of an eye either one of my kids could possibly be hanging from a ceiling fan. So, when doing housework etc. I've gotta work fast. My husband offered to do the dishes for me(since I had my daughter turned koala hanging onto me like a tree branch) if I would go give her a bath. Sounded like a good deal to me. I Bathe my daughter, clean up the bathroom get her in pj's straighten up her room before bed and head out into the kitchen, relaxed, and so glad it would be clean. What do I find? There is Greg standing in front of the sink gazing out the window basically giving each dish a personal massage and placing them in the empty sick next to it for a rinse wash and repeat cycle. All he needed was a pair of high heals and some pearls and I'm telling you, Mrs.Cleaver couldn't touch him. How is it possible that he was still standing there? My husband works very hard at his job, and some weeks he pulls close to seventy hours. But men just can't grasp the concept of housework and all that it entails. I could have done those dishes faster with one hand holding a baby, my son talking my ear off and the dog barking in the background.

We as women think we have grown away from our typical rolls as "house wife". But even the ones who have a full time job still come home and make dinner, clean up, read stories to the kids. Being a mom is like having seven full time jobs. We are personal chefs, teachers, chauffeurs, maids, baby-sitters, mediators, & sometimes a billboard for target practice. If we got paid for what we do, we would be making over 100,000 dollars a year.
Being a mother is usually a choice, but even if it's not it's something I embrace everyday because I just sit and think about how boring my life would be if I lived alone, not that I haven't thought about it some days. Nothing a good mani/pedi and a bottle of tequila can't fix.