I have been thinking a lot about where I want my life to go. Do I want to pursue a career? Do I want to have more kids and stay at home? Sometimes I feel so torn between the two, and I don't feel like I can have both. Can I? There is so much I want to do in this life. So much I want to see. But, my kids and my family are the most important things in the world to me. I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to be working full time everyday all the time and then wake up one morning 10, 20, 30 years from now and realize it is all over. That my kids are grown up and I can't go back and re-live it all.

My husband and I are going to my cousins wedding in New York, minus the kids. I am freaking out. You would think I would be dying to get away for a weekend, you know, great food, open bar, hotel room. But, I am stressing out. My mother in law is going to watch the kids for us and I just keep worrying about all the things that could go wrong while I am gone. I think about my daughter crying and not being able to be calmed down. This is where my control freak habits come in, I want to plan every minute of everyday while I am gone, so I know what is going on and, in a way, I am still in control. I am trying to stay calm and realize that this trip is a great thing and that my kids will be fine!! They will be fine!! :) But I am really going to miss them so much. I feel guilty about going away tomorrow. I feel like I should be with them all the time. Which I know is ridiculous by the way. Maybe I am nervous about this, I mean, My husband and I haven't really been alone on a trip in...well...FOREVER! We always have the kids with us, or one of them with us. It will be a different feeling not having to worry about all the things that having kids with you entails. It is a 10 hour drive to New York and it will be just the two of us. We can blast the music in the car, we don't have to stop every 2 hours to "go potty", and when we get to the hotel, we can actually take a nap if we want. Okay, okay, maybe this does sound like fun after all.

Alone Time

Sometimes I love being alone. I love the quiet, the kind of quiet when you can actually hear yourself breathing, you can hear the almost silent creeks of your own house, you can hear bliss. I now have two children and that kind of quiet almost doesn't happen anymore. Even when they are asleep. As I have two 80lb dogs and a husband. When I get up in the morning I almost pretend for a second that I am a single woman in a really cool apartment in the city and as I pour my cup of coffee, which smells heavanly I can go sit on my couch and sip the steaming cup slowly and peacfully without having to reheat it 100 times only to forget about it in the microwave. Or having it spilled on me, or finding glitter in it to make it pretty. As much as I wish for just little moments like that, I know that once I had that, I would wish I was back at home surrounded by chaos. Then when I think about my life before my husband and before my kids, I really don't know what the hell I did with my spare time at all.